Off The Rails (Again)
Or, how my Imposter Syndrome Anxiety Gremlin almost prevented me from sharing release dates
Hi friends,
For the longest time, November 1 meant NaNoWriMo, but not this year. This November 1, I find myself in a weird place with my writing. I have a work in progress and a new idea but feel too burnt out to give either any meaningful attention. Instead, November is going to be all about my serial publication with the hope that focusing my creativity on that will help refill my creative well so that I can return to writing new stories.
My decision to share my shelved manuscript as a serial has come with a lot more emotional baggage than I anticipated. Most of it boils down to reality not meeting expectations–even expectations that I thought I released (for this manuscript) a long time ago. Am I still looking for a literary agent to represent me so that I have permission to seek traditional publication for my work? Absolutely. More on that below. But, publishing KINGS OF THE NEW WORLD in a serial format is the first concrete step I am taking to turn away from my goal of traditional publication, and, even though it is only for one manuscript, it feels like an enormous departure from my hopes and dreams. It’s also forcing me to confront my complicated relationship with the goal of traditional publishing. Fun fact that I can’t seem to hold onto: writing is not publishing; the business of publishing is not writing.
Plus, now that I know when I’m going to drop the first two chapters, I have to face the harsh reality that people will actually read them. If you didn’t catch my post on the ‘gram earlier this week, it’s a whole mood.
But, here we are. I am going to release the first two chapters of KINGS OF THE NEW WORLD very soon (keep reading for the tentative release schedule).
In the subject line for today’s newsletter, I promised you a little story about how I went off the rails again, so here we go…
how another moment of bad timing sent me off the rails again
Remember how I was querying my novel (KINGS OF THE NEW WORLD) about a Spanish Flu-like pandemic that caused schools to close and society as we know it to screech to a halt… in February of 2020? Read aaaalllllllll about it on my previous newsletter. Long story short, it’s epically bad timing to query a dystopian speculative about a pandemic in the early weeks of an actual pandemic.
My bad timing struck again this week. My original plan was to share KINGS OF THE NEW WORLD on Patreon and cross-post to Kindle Vella, with the hope of growing my readership in the Kindle ecosystem.
It was a solid plan1.
Until Monday, October 28 when Amazon announced that it would be shutting down Kindle Vella. I would say “no worries,” but I am actually the kind of person who says that while having many, many worries. This led me to an extremely wasteful deep dive into a variety of other platforms for serializing fiction to find another space. I have decided…
Not to bother with any of them.
Somewhere in the midst of my research and testing out the various platforms, I started really wondering what I was doing. Was I really doing this because I need a second space for sharing the work? Or, was my spiteful little Imposter Syndrome Anxiety Gremlin™ throwing new obstacles my way to keep me from moving forward and sharing my work?
I think it’s the latter. You see, Imposter Syndrome Anxiety Gremlin™ has not given me permission to share my work for reasons…
I’m not good enough.
It’s “wasting” the work because I’m not charging money.
This is just a different way of quitting.
Or a different way of failing because this manuscript didn’t find a literary agent.
I have spent years seeking permission to move forward with my writing, and it feels like a gross violation to publish KINGS OF THE NEW WORLD without that permission–and the universe kindly provided me “evidence” that I still don’t have that permission in the form of Kindle Vella’s announced closure. Imposter Syndrome Anxiety Gremlin™ latched onto that so quickly that I, Jessie, the writer and creative, made no space to process the situation for what it was: no big deal.
Eventually, if I want to, I can find another platform. As another writing friend reminded me while I was spiraling out of control: I can do whatever I want.
Oh. Yeah. That’s right.
I actually do not need to ask for permission. That’s why I chose to serialize this manuscript in the first place. To do whatever I want.
That’s terrifyingly liberating.
Look, I’ve hinted a lot about the hard times that I’ve been going through on a personal level. While those times seem to mostly be in the rearview, there is aftermath. When you’re living in survival mode for a long time, it takes a serious toll and the cleanup can be just as significant and impactful.
The fact that, through all of this, I have maintained a steady flow of words and have been fully committed to querying my work and finding representation is something I am proud of, and something that has added an extra layer of consistent stress. As I type this, I have 18 active queries, four active full manuscripts, and one partial just sitting out there. Waiting to be given permission. There is something really infuriating about needing permission. Really, really infuriating.
But KINGS OF THE NEW WORLD is all mine.
I’ve given myself permission, and that means that I have to actively fight my Imposter Syndrome Anxiety Gremlin™ because, sadly, Imposter Syndrome Anxiety Gremlin™ refuses to give me permission. UGH. Okay, but we’re doing this.
KINGS OF THE NEW WORLD is a young adult speculative thriller told in two POV’s and set in an alternate 2020 when two prep school juniors team up to stop their parents’ doomsday cult from ruining their lives. Start reading KINGS OF THE NEW WORLD next Sunday, November 10.
It’s happening. I’m not chill. Any social media posts from me that appear chill are lies. The first two chapters drop on Sunday, November 10. I figure, if we’ve elected Vice President Harris, publishing KINGS OF THE NEW WORLD will feel like a celebration! If somehow the felon wins the ticket, this project will give me something else to think about (as opposed to the sorrow, fear, and existential dread) and maybe something to look forward to. I hope you’ll join me. My tentative plan is to publish on Thursdays and Sundays moving forward on my Patreon.
If you’re ready to start reading, check out the collection on my Patreon so that you receive the first two chapters on the tenth. It’s free. (There’s honestly zero chance that I have the strength to win the battle about charging money for my work with Imposter Syndrome Anxiety Gremlin™.)
Entertaining Distractions
Adding another new thing to this edition. I thought it might be fun to share what I’m reading and watching.
Right now, I’m reading Emily Wilde’s Map of the Otherlands, which is the second of the Emily Wilde series by Heather Fawcett. This is a series that I wasn’t going to pick up because it seemed like the stakes wouldn’t be big enough for me. I tend to go for more murdery, stabby things with huge life-and-death stakes. People were using the word cozy to describe this series. Yet, I have found it engaging and fun in so many unexpected ways, and I overly relate to the main character’s lack of social skills and her open desire to not be bothered to fix them.
After exhausting the entire Bridgerton collection2 on Netflix, I started Outer Banks. The first episode had a hurricane (definitely relate as a Floridian) and immediate stakes and intrigue. There was a boat gun chase? Yes, please. That’s my kind of entertainment. I’m only on episode two and reserve watching my TV for when I am riding my stationery bike. It’s my only motivation.
Do I see the stark contrast in these two distractions? Sure. Do I care? Nope.
Words of Wisdom
Another writing friend shared this quote with me when I was spinning out about something. Can’t even recall what3.
"Stay afraid. But do it anyway. What's important is the action. You don't have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow." ~Carrie Fisher.
Until next time,
Actually, as a writing friend gently challenged me to consider, maybe none of these extra platforms would move the needle very much at all. I agree with her. It was Imposter Syndrome Anxiety Gremlin™ who wanted to set up the extra obstacle for me.
I did not think I would like Bridgerton either. There are zero murders. Yet, I was riveted and might be inspired to write my own regency era-inspired story, but there will be murder. I haven’t been able to write anything without a lil murder or two, and I don’t intend to start now.
That’s just the kind of person I am.
NOVEMBER 10!!! I'M SO FRICKEN PROUD OF YOU! ❤️🔥